i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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