bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
