Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
