Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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