She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
