then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
