did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
