i would punch a child for taco bell
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
