Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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