i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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