So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
