Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Randomize
