farters have to be the big spoon...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
