I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
