Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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