you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
