A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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