1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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