omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
