cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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