just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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