proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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