I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
