My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
