Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
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I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
