I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
