my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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