i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Why is there bacon in the couch?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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