i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
