i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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