I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
