the condom got lost in my hair
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
