don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
