and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
