i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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