The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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