doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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