I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
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