Where is the hickey?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
