i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
