Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
