I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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