if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
