My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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