Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
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Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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