First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
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So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
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She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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