I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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