I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
