sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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