the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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