Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
