I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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