Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
