guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
