You're completely useless in the revolution.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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