you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
