I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
