It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
