I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
