I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
